The Epitaph By Which I Shall Be Immortalized

If you are writing a story about Lord of the Rings characters, and it is not an AU or futurefic (really fucking far into the future), please leave out all sloppy anachronisms like "showers" and "lingerie." It's not that difficult, people.

Oh, and referring to a horse as Eowyn's "mate" is just bizarre.

1. Write down the names of 10 characters.
2. Write something for every prompt, using the characters determined by the numbers. Do NOT read the prompts before you do step 1.

1. Larry Daley (Night at the Museum)
2. Dean Winchester (Supernatural)
3. Tony Stark (Iron Man movie)
4. James T. Kirk (Star Trek Reboot)
5. Yatsuha (Samurai Champloo)
6. Jack Carter (EUReKA)
7. Edmund Pevensie (Narnia)
8. Hermione Granger (Harry Potter)
9. Jason Bourne (Bourne series)
10. Meryl Strife (Trigun)

These range from PG to R.

First time, 4 and 6 (James T. Kirk and Jack Carter)
Funfest pairing! Great way to start a meme.
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Angst, 7 (Edmund Pevensie)
Writing angst for the Pevensies is like feeding bacon to a dog: it's just begging for it.
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AU, 1 and 8 (Larry Daley and Hermione Granger)
Hmm…I've never written this particular infamous AU. So let's see what happens…
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Threesome, 3, 6 and 9 (Tony Stark, Jack Carter, Jason Bourne)
Holy fuck, this is, like. The threesome from hell.
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Hurt/comfort, 5 and 10 (Yatsuha and Meryl Strife)
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Crackfic, 1 (Larry Daley)
This is rather difficult given that Night at the Museum is actually crackier than anything fandom could come up with. Do not read without brain-bleach on hand.
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Horror, 10 (Meryl Strife)
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Babyfic, 5 and 9 (Yatsuha and Jason Bourne)
I can't stop laughing. Best prompt ever.
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Dark, 2 and 8 (Dean Winchester and Hermione Granger)
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Deathfic, 2 and 3 (Dean Winchester and Tony Stark)
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It looked interesting, so I took it. Then I wound up taking far too long to fill it out. I've been around fandoms since I was 12, I keep surprising myself with remembering yet more couples that I ship or have shipped. And then I busy myself over-analyzing them. No wonder it's taken four days...


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Title: At the Beginning
Author: Lazaefair
Fandom: Narnia
Rating: G

There is, like, no existing fic for the first King and Queen, Frank and Helen of Narnia. Well, here's my contribution.

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I've lately been remiss in posting stuff from LJ to Dreamwidth, so here's a bunch of updates.

Title: Pepper's first
Author: Lazaefair
Fandom: Iron Man (movie)
Rating: G

Totally not what the title implies. It's actually a little look at Pepper's life and stuff I made up wholesale, complete with pseudo-cathartic resolution.

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At this rate, my 'unfinished' writing folder will be empty by...next year!

Two ficlet follow-ups to my unholy Veronica Mars and Harry Potter crossover! Better known as Veronica and Hermione shenanigans!

First ficlet is found here.

I'm working on a third ficlet, but I wanted to get rid of these first two, which have been sitting in that darn folder for over a year.

Ficlet #1
Title: Again with the stick-waving
Author: Lazaefair/Zerethshahar
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Ficlet #2
Title: Wizards like Scotch too
Author: Lazaefair/Zerethshahar
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Title: In Greece
Author: Lazaefair/Zerethshahar
Fandom: The Bourne Identity (movie)
Rating: G

Set immediately after The Bourne Identity, so spoilers for that one. Jason and Marie and PTSD.

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Maybe the beginning of something if I can get off my writing tush and do something with it. Lewis left a lot of holes in the creation of Narnia world and I've lately been trying to build something consistent with what we know.

By: Lazaefair/Zerethshahar

****

The first people of the land that came to be known as Calormen at first failed to realize they'd walked out of Earth. Ahmad ibn Sa’id al-Bahili led his family away from the village of his birth on the eve of his twenty-fifth year, fleeing an old tribal conflict that had plagued their people since the stars had blessed the father of his fathers, countless generations ago.

It is unknown what prayer uttered by Ahmad's wife, what curse the village elders had heaped upon Ahmad's head just prior to his fleeing, or what unseen agency of magic led them to an opening into Narnia's world. Their footprints in the sand on Earth vanished into thin air.

Magical or not, the desert in either world is wide, and full of treacheries. Ahmad and his wife saw no need to question the appearance of an oasis where none had ever been named, in even the oldest village lore. They were simply grateful for the refreshment of a little spring of water and the shade of the little grove of trees around it. At that time, the living magic that Aslan had infused into the land itself during creation had faded, so no fantastical constructs grew out of the earth where Ahmad's family camped for the night.

That first night, in the depths of the witching hour, Ahmad rose from his slumber like a man enchanted. A liquid burbling, like a woman's bathing song, drew him irresistibly towards the center of the grove, not really awake. He found the nymph of the spring combing her wet hair by the pool. Ahmad lay with the nymph and got her with child, and went on his way the next morning thinking it merely a dream. Nine months later, the nymph gave birth and thus the first child of that realm was born, preceding Queen Helen of Narnia's child by a year.

I give you Night at the Museum angst:

It's not a rule in The Handbook of Night Guarding for Dummies, but it should be: Do Not Engage In Relations (Sexual Or Otherwise) With The Artificial Exhibits In Your Museum. No Exceptions. Not Even If The Exhibits In Your Museum Come to (Sort Of) Life At Night Thanks To Your Gay Lover's Magical Tablet. Yes, Even You.

Because he broke that rule and look where it got him: he's in his mid-thirties, divorced once with a kid, and he's in love with a pharaoh who's been dead for centuries and and they can't be together except at night, provided the tablet is present, during his working hours - and anytime else, Ahkmenrah is a dried-out corpse encased in glass.

He never goes into the Egyptian exhibit during daylight hours, especially now that they've got the sarcophagus permanently opened. It would be too gruesome. Obviously, he prefers the flesh-and-blood version. The one with the baby face who looks at him with wise eyes and a calm, British voice that makes him feel the way he did fifteen years ago with his ex-wife. The one that, with Teddy and Sacajawea, helps him keep order in the museum madhouse.




Okay, I really have no idea where this is going, so I'm going to stop before I start in on Larry's issues with Amelia Earhart (mostly regret) on top of the described cognitive dissonance involving Ahkmenrah, and then Larry's stormy thoughts on his love/hate feelings towards the magical tablet while he frantically cuts his wrists and writes poetry about tears and crimson roses. I need help. D:

I give you Night at the Museum slash: Larry Daley/Ahkmenrah would be really hot. The quiet, thoughtful young former pharaoh comes to admire Larry's quick, impulsive nature and charming combination of innocence and world-weary cynicism, etc. In the inevitable NC-17 fic where they're in an unused exhibit room, there is the line, "the ancient oil's subtle fragrance filled the room, unbearably erotic."

...possibly Amelia Earhart would be curiously voyeuring in on this tête-à-tête, her exhibit having been loaned to the New York museum from the Smithsonian. She quietly slips into the unused exhibit room after spying Larry and Ahkmenrah entering it. What follows is, of course, hot threesome (to use the technical term), afterwards which Larry remarks disbelievingly, "I'm in a gay relationship with a mummy and I just had a three-way with him and Amelia Earhart."

"We should all be so fortunate, Larry," Ahkmenrah says with a slight smile, as he helps Amelia adjust her scarf.

"Come on, this is serious. Who's next, Attila the Hun?"

"I'd be offended, but I know that you would have to get him away from his second-in-command first."

"Wait...are you...did you just tell me the Attila 'I conquered all of Asia in a bloody campaign' the Hun is banging that guy?"

"Oh, don't be a bluenose. I think it's sweet," Amelia says. She slides off the table and goes over to slip her arms around Larry's waist. He curves his hand absentmindedly around her shoulders.

"I'm not whatever you just said. I just...a guy's just gotta process, that's all."

Ahkmenrah has his head tilted, listening. "You may need to process while in the lion's exhibit. I fear I can hear some rumblings from there."

Larry groans, but gamely grabs his maglight and slides it into his uniform holster with a resolute click. "Okay...sweethearts," he says with his sudden lopsided smile, "let's go."

"More adventures? And lions? A girl couldn't ask for a better night," Amelia says with no small amount of satisfaction, and holds her hand out for Ahkmenrah.